I have some news! We have become foster parents! I kept feeling God calling us to not get pregnant again! We began looking into fostering! Here we are 2 years later- we have placements and I feel like we are ready to share a little about our experience. I thought this would be a great way to use this platform to answer some questions about foster care and for me to share some of the things that surprised me. I cannot begin to tell you the joy this has brought to our family. It is one of the most incredible experiences I have had in my life.
Today I brought on Laura, a close friend of mine, Laura Edwards! She is an Ontario County Home Finding Adoption Extraordinaire! We connected on this foster care journey about 2 years ago. Today I am going to talk about.5 things that I didn’t expect when becoming a foster parent. Laura is going to add her experience but also the reality of a lot of misconceptions. As we chat, think about how Laura can be a resource to you!
#1 – I actually enjoyed the training to become a foster parent!
Laura: We hear this all the time. The training, the first step, is a 10-week long class. One night per week for 10 weeks for 3 hours per night. People turn it into their date night! They have dinner before or after and think more about the process.
Mandy: What was your favorite exercise that we did in training?
Laura: My forever favorite exercise is when we walk you through what it is like to be removed from your parents. We try to force people to attempt to put yourself in the shoes of the kids- what they are experiencing and what their birth parents are experiencing. IT gives me goosebumps and brings me back to some not-so-great memories of when I worked in Child Protective Services. I have seen the toughest of grown men sob. It forces people to think about something you have never thought about before.
Mandy: My favorite exercise was discussing what a mom or dad has to do to lose their child. Its easy to judge parents and say “how could you do that!?” and then I gained perspective and opened my heart to the reality of these parents that are struggling. It is a beautiful opportunity for us to help.
#2 – How much slack I would get from everyone else.
Laura: People go off of what they see in movies and people also have not gone through our training. I think people have this misconception that kids in foster care are broken and, in the 11 years that I have worked in this field, I have met some of the most beautiful and remarkable kids.
Mandy: People have misconceptions but maybe aren’t used to seeing the beautiful stories that come from it. That is why I am sharing my story because we can have people in our world that have been through trauma and we can still be impactful.
Laura shares an example about the positive impact fostering had on biological children in a family she worked with.
20:31 - #3: How much goes into the goal of reunification
Mandy shares how the goal of foster care is to reunify the family.
Mandy: My goal is to love on those babies until that time comes. Now that I am in it, there is so much that goes into the process, I wasn’t expecting it!
Laura: It is so multi-faceted. There are constantly service providers, judges, foster parents, attorneys. There are so many hands in it but ultimately everyone is working towards reunifying these children and what is best for these children in the long run.
Mandy:
I was not expecting so many valuable people making such a strong team to attempt to bring the family back together. The first week I had a yellow notebook and SO MANY notes! But that is why case workers and foster parents need so much support! IT has been so beautiful creating relationships with everyone along the way.
[25:40] #4 – There is a hidden community!
Mandy: I was not aware of how many people that surround me are foster parents!
Laura: I think some people keep it quiet because they don’t want to deal with the negative from other people and some people keep it quiet because we harp on the privacy of kids so much that it is just easier to keep it quiet. I love when parents share that they are a foster parent they just cannot share about the kids publicly. It is the most beautiful, supportive group of people that are hidden in plain sight!
Mandy: I am also learning it is a hidden community in terms of friendships. I feel I am able to get this group of people that understand me on such a deep level and can also support in hard times.
Laura: We are working on something fun right now. Karen, our veteran foster mom, came up with an idea to partner new foster parents with a seasoned foster parent. This partnership is a mentorship/support to help develop the program as a whole!
Mandy: It feels like such a mountain! Having a guide is an amazing thing.
[30:18] #5 – How much you can love a child that is not your biological child
Mandy: I did not expect so much love. I never thought it was possible to love a child this much when there is so much uncertainty. It has been an incredible shock to me.
Laura: It has been fun for me to watch you and your family welcome your foster children into their lives. It is fun, exciting and eye-opening.
<<cue Mandy’s tears>>
Laura: What a beautiful privilege to be able to be a part of a child’s life and story. Every child that comes through a home adds to the family.
Mandy: I am not sure where this quote is from but, “Oh how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” (I think it is Winnie the Pooh). What a gift that we have to love them! Any time we open our hearts, we are being vulnerable. Fostering is a risky love, because it could disappear before your eyes, but that is a lot like any love. We had our guard up (for a day or two) when we welcomed our foster children but I quickly learned the importance of going all-in.
Laura: These children remember every place they laid their heads. People can never underestimate the impact fostering can have on changing a child’s world for the better.
[38:37] Laura’s last words
Laura: A quote that means a lot to us in our office is, “The point of foster care and adoption is to find the best family for kids, not the best kid for your family.” What family is going to be the best for this child. This kid needs to feel loved, accepted and like they fit in.
Mandy: I have talked to so many families looking for adoption because, with foster, the opportunity to adopt may present itself. I feel like if there were a situation that were to ever present itself, the kid is going to give us that answer.
Laura: We complete a lot of adoptions every year but our primary goal is always to send kids home. If that doesn’t happen then we do look at next steps/options/plans but it is always what is best for that child first.
[41:50] How to learn more
If you are in Ontario County, we would love for you to call us! If not, go to your local county website there should be a phone number and they will connect you to your counties home finder. In Ontario County you dial 585-396-4111 and we are happy to talk to you and answer your questions to see if this is a journey that is best for your family!
You can also look to see if there are any informational Q&A meetings to learn more before beginning the training.
Mandy: You just made me think who unique the group was that we trained with. Everything from an incredible single mom, to a couple with older kids to a couple similar to Eddie and me. The course is good for 5 years, so there was very little pressure to dive right in.
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