One of the things I love most about this podcast is that I can have content that is all over the place! Yes, there is definitely a niche, but it is impactful, in my opinion that things are all over the place. Today I am excited to talk about marriage advice! It is nerve-wracking! But these 2 powerful pieces of marriage advice have changed me and changed my marriage. I am not going to NOT share this message!
If you have been tuning in for a while, I discussed early on the difficult time my husband and I had at the beginning of our marriage. I think some people forget that this isn’t a walk in the park. I am so proud of how far we have come. Recently, we had a hard moment. I was in the bathroom and Eddie came in and we were having a great conversation and he told me “You’re my best friend.” And I was struck and silent. He continued, “Am I your best friend?” A sadness came over us…is my husband my best friend? I started to wrap my head around what I was feeling and it made me sad and I had 2 breakthroughs.
My first realization was that I was afraid to tell him things or share challenges because when we would fight he would bring them up. I never realized how powerful those fighting words would be. I also realized that I was resentful of him about his shortcomings. I was constantly comparing him to other husbands and I became resentful. These things were inhibiting us and making it difficult to take our relationship to the next level. This was a really good calm conversation from God to work on this. We learned we had to come together and figure it out. When I look back at the work I have done in these last 2 years there is two pieces of marriage advice I have gathered.
#AdvicePerspective in case you take advice personally! When I think about advice or things in my marriage one of the things Glennon Doyle shares in her book is how she writes a note to her “up self” when she is feeling down and vice versa. When I feel that my marriage is great, this is the type of advice that I want to give to my “down self,” because often when I am not in a good spot with my marriage I want to sabotage it. I can find all of the things he does that angers me. But what progress will that have? I have also held on to things (grudged) for too long in the past and have had to practice and grow and develop out of that. This advice that I want you to have your mind open to is something that you are going to want to blow off. So wherever you are, consider that if you are like me, when you are in a bad spot and do not want to help yourself, I encourage you to keep listening.
So what are the books? The first book is called Vertical Marriage: The One Secret That Will Change Your Marriage by Ann Wilson and Dave Wilson. The second book is called Relationship Goals: How to Win at Dating, Marriage, and Sex by Michael Todd.
[11:48] The first shift is from Vertical Marriage. You are a profit in your own home. They key is…words MATTER. Your relationship is the conversation in how you speak to one another. One of the chapters (page 125) is “boo!” She shares a story about how her and Dave were speaking at an engagement. He goes home and she goes “boo- you didn’t do this right,” “boo- you didn’t do that right!” Men have been raised to hear positive feedback their whole lives. But then they go home to their wives and she finds everything on earth to “boo” them! Men want to go where they are praised. They are not praised if they are being told “boo” all the time. I share some notable couple quotes from the book. When I read this, my jaw dropped. I felt it deeply. As she goes on, she talks about when we are a profit in our own home we can make the shift. She started to cheer for her husband and find the positives. I share a personal story.
[21:14] The second shift involves how we fight! We communicate a lot and are very clear when our needs are not met. Words can be said that hurt. When those words happen, they don’t go away. I think of them as toothpaste. Once the toothpaste has been squeezed out of a tube, it cannot be put back in. sometimes when we would fight it would be about winning. Winning, in this case, means hurting the other one more. I never recognized this to be a problem. I had an AHA moment. My second piece of advice: Fight Kindly! It is easy in a marriage to have no boundaries. I realize the power of my words because I realize the power of his words. I brought it to his attention in a respectful way and he did not even realize! I share how it is discussed in the book. “You’re mad, your frustrated. But that isn’t the real problem or root. And if you speak out of anger, you may feel better but it will not resolve the issue.” “You can get to the real problem ONLY by being gentle and humble.” In my own personal experience, we began to spiral. So we made a promise to fight kindly. When people are angry, it is important to remember there are other reasons that are the root. Be humble. Fight kindly.
Those are my 2 pieces of marriage advice that changed my life. I feel he is my best friend. I honor and see what he is doing. That is a gift. I hope this was something outside of our conversations. I hope it makes an impact in your marriages. You are not alone if you are struggling. You are not alone if you have a great marriage and want more. Guess what happens when your marriage and relationships are strong? You can pursue you.
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